Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Little Old Girl

Little Old Girl
John Lindsey
***

Girl: You are a 28 year old con artist that looks like you are 12 years old. You have seen lots of things, and you really don’t know what to do with yourself at this point. You don’t know if you want to con any more people, this is the struggle and it’s hard to keep the character of a little girl. You need alcohol. Your mind is full of senseless bible information from Catholic School. You just snuck out of a beauty pageant. You’re world is falling apart, you are in self-destruct mode.

(In a bar, 3 tall bar stools, bartender behind the bar. Bartender is cleaning a glass, smoking his cigarette.)

(Little girl comes into the bar, with a ring of the bell above the door. Looks no more than 12 years old. With a pink puffy dress, big pink bow in her hair white tights, the works. Bartender walks towards the girl as if to say something, but before he can, the girl tries to climb up a tall bar stool and fails. Girl tries a second time, a running start this time, and makes it onto the bar stool.)

Girl:
“Get me a Parallel.”

Bartender:
“Hey I’m sorry but you’re-“

(Old Man enters)

Old Man:
“Hello Frank!”

Bartender:
“Hi Bob, this little girl is demanding alcohol. I, really, don’t, I’ll call the-”

Old Man:
“For God’s sake Frank, I’ll take care of it.”
(Beat)
“It’s ok, I’m good with kids.”
(Beat)
“I have grand kids, trust me.”
(Beat)
“Fine. You deal with it, I’ll be right here to step in if you need any help.”

Bartender:
“Hey honey you have to go-”

Girl:
“Oh, come on you don’t have to throw me out right now, I’m just getting started.”
(Does a strip tease)
“What can I do to get something to drink?”

Bartender:
“Nothing, I mean, what are you doing get down from there.”

Girl:
“Ok.”
(Jumps on bartender kiss him, etc.)
“I’m all pent up from catholic school. Don’t you want to know something about the bible?”

Bartender:
“Yes I mean, No, no not at all. Give me that.”

Girl:
“This is my body given to you. Do this for me baby.”

Bartender:
“Stop that.”

Girl:
“Dun, dun, dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun, dun, dun, dun-dun.”
(Grabs for beer)

Old Man:
“Get down from there!”

Girl:
“What’s wrong can you not handle it?”

Bartender:
“Stop that, stop that right now. AAaaa!”

(Two people come in the bar.)

Bartender:
(Bartender tries to hide girl)
“OK, fine.”

Old Man:
“OK fine, what?”

Bartender:
“You deal with her.”
(People sit down bartender follows getting orders.)

Old Man:
“I really wasn’t saying that I could…”
(Beat)
"Ok. Um…So, do you come here often?"

Girl:
"What does a girl have to do to get a beer around here?!”

Person 2:
“Excuse me is that a girl.”

Old Man:
(Old Man drinks his beer to exactly half full, half empty, however you see it.)

Girl:
“Hey bartender!”

Bartender:
(Drops a glass.)
“Please don’t…Please don’t leave.”

Person One:
“This is horrible, how could you let a little girl in-”

Bartender:
“Its being taken care of…Bob! Is-”

Person Two:
“I don’t care who is taking care of this. This is-”

Old Man:
“Frank is a great guy, you know, there’s no need to-”
[Overlapping Conversation Part 1]
Bartender:
“Frank-”

Person One:
“We are leaving this bar.”

Old Man:
“Bob let me help you out.”

Person Two:
“And we’re calling the police.”

Bartender:
“NO!”

Old Man:
“No, no, she’s, she is my niece.”

Person Two:
“She is?”

Girl:
“I hope I’m not related to you.”

Bartender:
“Um, No, Um yes she is.”

Person 1:
“Alright then have her sit on your lap.”

Bartender:
“What?”

Old Man:
“Alright I will.”

[Overlapping Conversation Part 2]
Girl:
"It tastes like God pissed in a cup.”

[End of Overlapping Conversation]

People:
(People leave the bar.)

Bartender:
“Dam it Bob!”

Girl:
(Girl tries to drink beer.)

Old Man:
(Places a hand over opened end of glass)
"You can't do that!"

Girl:
“Ok fine I’ll pray first.”

Bartender:
“What are we going to do?”

Old Man:
“We, when did this become we?”

Bartender:
“You said you where good with kids.”

Old Man:
“OK Frank, but I’m only helping you out because it’s your first week.”

[Overlapping Conversation Part 1]

Bartender:
“Oh and why the hell did you say she was you’re niece.”

Old Man:
“I know, I know, I was just trying to help you.”


Bartender:
“That is horrible you lied to a costumer. This is horrible…”

Old Man:
“Just trying to help.”

Bartender:
“Help me! How could that have helped me in any way!?”

Old Man:
“Calm down Frank.”

Bartender:
“Calm down, you lied, they are going to call the cops. I don’t want them to call the cops.”

Old Man:
“They’re not going to call the cops.”

Bartender:
“Yes they are I’m sure they are.”

Old Man:
“Fine, sure, fine, ok, sure.”
[Overlap With Top and Bottom.]


Bartender:
“Calm? I need her out of here now!”

Old Man:
“Then you do it!”

Bartender:
“Me?”

Old Man:
“Do it Frank.”

Bartender:
“I’m doing it Bob.

[Overlapping Conversation Part 2]
Girl:
“Lord I pray for this fine day, that you keep the sun away. And if you can't find it in thine heart, Perhaps consider a second start. But if that start not pure, not clean, There is no point. Just let it be.
Forgive me Lord for all my sin, and let me come back again. For if you find me in thine house, fear me not want me out. For tis true when I see your fine works face, I always see your loving Grace. I do covet your creations heart, but want no dingy second start.So here I stand not pure, not clean, wishing for hope, and your love not seen, that you might let me back again. Amen, let's drink!”

(Girl grabs for glass.)

[Overlapping Conversation Ends]
Old Man:
"I said no!”

Bartender:
“Frank!...take care of.. it, she seems to like you better anyway. Besides you, you’re where good with kids right?”

(Bartender and Old Man struggle over beer.)

Old Man:
“If you really want me to do you’re job, I’m going to need this.”

Bartender:
(Bartender starts cleaning glasses, and things that don’t need to be cleaned.)

Old Man:
“Hey sweetheart, what are you doing in a place like this anyway? Don't you have school or something?"

Girl:
“I just snuck out of a little miss beauty pageant to get some beer, or a least some good conversation. I suppose I’ll have to settle for some good conversation."

Old Man
"Are you serious!?"

Girl:
"As serious as you’re asking simply.”

Old Man:
“Well, Why, why don’t you just go back to your parents.”

Girl:
“Because, I'm tense, this life is getting me down. Catholic school is too hard, and I hate beauty pageants. So why don't you let me knock back a couple cold ones? The bible tells me so.”

Old Man:
(Old Man tries to interrupt)

Girl:
Beauty pageantry isn’t all fairytales and unicorns. The flood wiped them all out anyway. But I'm still around."

Bartender:
“Is everything alright?”

Old Man:
“Yeah everything’s fine Frank.”

Bartender:
“Frank I need her out of here now, maybe I better-”

Girl:
“If you touch me I’ll bite off our hard.”

Bartender:
“Ok, well..”
“I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do…etc.”

(Girl grabs for beer.)

Girl:
“Come on give it too me you old fart!”

Old Man:
(Girl lunges for glass.)


Girl:
“It's either this or playing in traffic, Gimme!”

Old Man:
"What do you mean by that?"

Girl:
"I mean, if I don't get some release soon I'm going to do something crazy."

Old Man:
"Those are some strong words for a young lady such as yourself."

Girl:
"You have no idea.”

Old Man:
“I-”

“Do you know what it's like to go without alcohol for 12 years!"

(Girl tries to get beer.)

"I'm tense. Do I look tense to you?"

Old Man:
"How old are you?"

Girl:
“12, No 8, its too late now. Hey look.”
(Throws the ribbon to lassoes the beer)

Old Man:
“What are you talking abooouut?”

Girl:
“It’s too late for good grazing. I’ll have to settle for beer.”

Old Man:
“OK, stop this.”

Bartender:
“What’s going on?”
(Has a jar of pickled eggs under one arm, some other gross pickled thing in the other arm. Rag, Cleaner, etc.)

Old Man:
“Everything’s fine frank.”

Bartender:
“Are you sure?”

Old Man:
“Yes.”
“Don’t you miss your mommy and daddy? I bet they miss you?”

Girl:
“I don’t have parents.”

Old Man:
“Then who enrolled you in this pageant that you keep talking about. You are in a pageant are you?"

Girl:
"Oh, those people yeah, I definitely didn't come from them. They are about as square as you can get and about as idiotic as they come. I couldn't stand it anymore, catholic school, had to run away, but one thing is for sure, they're not going to hell. (beat) They go to church and talk of the great, I Am, constantly. As if they know him, bastard that he is. This was a bad family to sign up for.”

Old Man:
“They go to church? Well they don’t sound so bad.”

Girl:
“Bull-shit! A hand basket seems so much more comfortable than a tiny metal eye. Some might say it's a destination that matters and not how you travel, and others might say that the journey is its own reward. All I know is, I just want to travel in style. That is all that matters to me right now. That and getting some beer!”
(Girl lunges for beer.)
Old Man:
"Well, you're not getting any."

Girl:
(Bites the Old Man)

Old Man:
“You little devil!”

Girl:
(The little girl runs.)

Old Man:
“I’m going to kill you.”

Bartender
“Bob, what are you doing?”

Old Man:
“I’m getting this little girl out of here, like you told me too.”

Bartender:
“I thought you said you where good with kids?”

Old Man:
“I am good with kids, good at teaching them to respect there elders.”

Girl:
“You’re no elder of mine old man!”

Girl:
(Runs back toward bar)

Old Man:
“Help me!”

(Bartender and Old Man hold down girl together.)

Bartender:
“Please, some one any one. Call the cops!”

Old Man:
“We don’t need the police, we need an exorcist.”

Bartender:
“Help us!”

Old Man:
“God help us!”

Bartender:
“Please forgive me, Its not my time to go.”

Old Man:
“Be healed!”

(Two cops come in.)

Cop 1:
“Stop!”

Old Man:
“But I’m good with kids.”

Cop 1:
“Hands on your head.”

Girl:
“Thank you for saving me from these bad, bad men.”

Cop 1:
“It’s going to be ok.”

Cop 2:
“Freeze, don’t move.”

Cop 1:
“What’s going on here?”

[Overlapping Text.]

Old Man:
Well Frank, Frank is a good guy, and really nice. He wouldn’t hurt a fly and this little girl came in off the street. Took her in off the street. I don’t know many guys that would do that. Its doesn’t matter where he is he helps people. He’s always willing to put out a hand to a stranger.

Bartender:
I was just standing in hear cleaning glasses and waiting for some one to show up when, this little girl came in the bar. Well I mean I didn’t know she was a little girl at first. I couldn’t see her over the bar. The point is I have been trying to kick her out all this time and she just won’t leave.

[Overlapping Text Ends.]

Cop 1:
“Stop!”

Girl:
(Starts crying)

Cop 1:
“Could you take care of the girl?”

Cop 2:
“Hey honey, its time to take you home.”

Girl:
“But my dollies behind the counter.”

Old Man:
“But she doesn’t have a-”

Cop 1:
“No Talking.”

Cop 2:
“You stay here I’ll get it for you.”

Girl:
“No I’ll get it.”

Cop 2:
“No I’ll get it.”
“Wait, Dick this is her.”

Cop 1:
“What?”

Girl:
“God dam it!”

Cop 2:
“I mean the women.”

Girl:
(Runs for it.)

Old Man:
“Wait.”

Bartender:
“What?”

Cop 1:
“Her!”
(Tackles girl.)
“Get down.”

Girl:
“Fuck You!”

Cop 2:
“Stop resisting.”

(Girls breasts are wrapped under cloths and come undone.)

Girl:
“Bite me you pig!”

Old Man:
“Oh my god.”

Bartender:
“Wow…”

Cop 1:
“We have been looking for you for a long time.”

Girl:
“I want a lawyer.”

Cop 2:
“What made you do it darling?”

Cop 1:
“Yeah why didn’t you go into acting or something, instead of conning unsuspecting people?”

Girl:
“I didn’t want to act like another person; I wanted to be another person! I live a life you could only dream of.”

Cop 1:
“Well you can tell that to the judge, Ha!”

Cop 2:
“Poor Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Nice people that they are.”

Cop 1:
“How many other people have you conned?”

Girl:
“I’m pleading the fifth.”

Cop 1:
“Not talking hu? Alright take her away.”

Girl:
“Watch the hair.”

(Girl and Cop 2 exit.)

Old Man:
“Wha-What just happened?”

Cop 1:
“You men are lucky.”

Bartender:
“Lucky, what do you mean?”

Cop 1:
“I mean that girl, is a 28 year old women that has been coning unsuspecting parents for years.”

Bartender:
“What, how?”

Cop 1:
“Well what she does is, finds some well off newly wed couple. Shows up on there door step and imitates a little girl. Says she’s and orphan or something along those lines. Then they take her in she takes them for all they are worth. She’s a good con artist one of the best, and this isn’t the first time she’s tried to get alcohol, that’s how we caught her.”

Bartender:
“Really.”

Cop 1:
“Looks like she slipped up this time, they all slip up some time. That is why I said you are lucky. The last few bartenders ended up downtown and you would have too if my partner hadn’t have noticed her.”

Bartender:
(Faints)

Cop 1:
“She’s a good con artist. That’s why you are lucky.”

Old Man:
“Ho my god.”

Cop 1:
“Well not entirely lucky.”

Old Man:
“Why, why is that?”

Cop 1:
“I’m sorry to say I’m still going to have to take you men in for questioning just to be on the safe side.”

(It all ends with the bartender on the ground, the old man panting and thinking vary hard about what just happened. With a wrecked bar and a cop standing in the middle of it.)

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